the dark night of the heart

so i’ve been super confused and frustrated lately. i think it stems from having an improper balance of faith and deeds. i’ve been praying to god for Him to use me and for me to be surrendered to the spirit’s movement in charlottesville. it’s been awesome because i’ve definitely met a few people lately who i feel like god just put in my life to be my best friend. they are farmers and coming to church and wanting to study the bible. so awesome! but in my reaching out to the community, i’ve been struggling. i feel like dispite all my efforts and investment i just haven’t seen any successes. i just end up feeling exhausted, hopeless, and worthless by the end of the day. i realize i’m being a prideful punk but i can’t break out of it. i talked to gabe on friday about how i was struggling and i asked if it was normal. he said ooo yea it’s normal. he explained how he has felt like this in the past but it’s just something you have to grow through as your heart begins to love deeper and invest more thoroughly. hopefully what i’m experiencing is growing pain. he said there is certainly a dark night of the heart that we have to go through and come out on the other side pruned and matured. i have been working on my faith. en route to on our own i was praying for my time there. i found myself praying for my friends there individually, praying for housing, jobs, self-worth, and a saved soul. but i stopped myself and instead just prayed that god would use me however in the world He wants to. it felt so good. like i was emptying myself of responsibility to “save” and instead just leaving it up to god. and this is exactly my struggle. i want to be philip, just showing up where god tells him to go and finding a eunuch with an eager heart.

despite feeling confused, i had a great weekend. i hung out with garrett and he gave me good advice. we went to the haven and saw some friends. i went to on our own and saw some people i hadn’t seen in a while, which was awesome. i went over to these two guys’ house and was really inspired by their convictions on not buying anything new for the house. they have a brilliant idea to raise money for on our own by cooking a four course meal with food from the food bank, throwing a banquet with a cover charge, then not telling the guests that it was food bank food until after they ate it all. genius!

then, of course, i had tons of fun with jessie and clark. especially dancing at the box and throwing everyone off with our sw33t dance moves. i can’t believe it’s been a year since we graduated. i am so grateful that we are still so close and this weekend was definitely reminiscent of our friendship during undergrad.

also, look how cool my niece is. she is taking after me except less pants :)

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2 Responses to “the dark night of the heart”

  1. kabowdler Says:

    oh my gosh, is that ava…? is that her name? remember how we would always get her name wrong? and hebrews 6:10 is my go to scripture when I am feeling like “what in the world God, does anything I do really matter or make a difference?” love you and super inspired by you. p.s. come to pitt for the phillies game, we can get cheap tickets.

    • kaitlynmeehow Says:

      heb 6:10 is awesome and i also go to that scripture thanks to YOU for showing it to me :)

      yes i remember when we got her name wrong. i almost spelled it kayma when i wrote this hahaha. she is so cute! i hope she turns into a little me :)

      ok tell me when the game is?!!!! i want to come up!!! but can i get the sw33t tix you and jen got?

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